AVX: VS #1

(1st story)

The Invincible Iron Man vs Magneto

As Iron Man fires his hand beam, he feels the fillings in his teeth rattle and he knows it’s on. The beam is fired at Magneto, who simply puts up a magnetic shield to block it. As he does so, he muses that Iron Man is arrogant and reckless for a human but he is no fool. Surely he would not attack him in a suit made of iron; it will be a very short battle indeed. Magneto’s power courses through Iron Man’s armor and he has his answer… It’s not metal… it’s carbon nanotubes.

Iron Man says that if they thought that they fight would be over so soon, then they must not have met. His name’s Tony Stark and you may know him from things as routinely using his amazing intellect and unparalleled resourcefulness to save the world. Do you really think he would step foot on an island that’s home to the master of magnetism with a plan? Of course as his tennis partner and drinking buddy says, everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth. Iron Man fires another beam at Magneto, which he shields from again. Magneto then uses his power to rip up one of the metal pillars on Utopia and slam it down on Iron Man.

AvX Fun Fact: Each tower on Utopia weighs 170 tonnes.

Magneto tells Iron Man, who is under the rubble, to stay down as he is in the wrong that day. As he climbs out, Iron Man says that, in case you are wondering, having 200 tons of rubble dropped on your head hurts.

AvX Fun Fact: Iron Man likes to exaggerate.

Thankfully, his systems are on line, so now it’s time to save the day the only way he knows how: through lavish spending. He fires a swarm of small super-magnetic disks at Magneto. As the disks swirl around Magneto, he muses on how Iron Man has so many cutting edge toys and he barely understood the ones he had five years ago let alone now. All he has is a tarnished helmet and an old man’s heart forged in the Warsaw ghetto. For many years, that’s been enough to get him by and today will be no different. Magneto reaches out his hands and counts two-million neo-dymium high-grade magnets that must have cost him a pretty penny.

AvX Fun Fact: Magneto has magnetic counting powers.

He fires the magnets back at Iron Man, saying he could possibly keep such an extravagant gift. Iron Man fires another beam at the shielded Magneto. Magneto says that the guards that herded him into Auschwitz used to say they were just following orders. He then asks Iron Man if that will be his excuse as well. Iron Man asks him if an international terrorist just compared him to a Nazi. He says that the Avengers are there to save lives and it’s him that’s playing fast and loose with the lives of millions. In his armor, Iron Man thinks that his beams are not getting though Magneto’s shields but he keeps them coming to stop him using an electromagnetic pulse. His plan #1a was a success if the result was to leave Magneto brimming with a well-deserved confidence. Let’s skip to plan #180z. He connects to his satellite system around Jupiter.

AvX Fun Fact: Jupiter’s distance from Earth varies between 390,000,000 to 576,000,000 miles.

The magnetic field of Jupiter is ten times that of Earth’s. He should know he’s spent some time there. All’s it takes is some well placed satellites to siphon off the energy and suddenly there’s a new master of magnetism. The satellites around Jupiter give Iron Man’s armor a magnetic boost and he uses the power to fire at Magneto and knock him down.

As Magneto reels from the blast, he recognizes the taste of the power as coming from Jupiter. In retaliation, he flies high up into the air and rips apart some of the satellites and makes himself an armor out of them. As Iron Man loses connection to the satellites, Magneto tells him he’s not the only one who can steal the power of planetary objects. He asks Iron Man if he’s wondered what it feels like to be bludgeoned by the sun. With that, he flies forward and punches Iron Man in the face. The two men start a brawl high up in the air.

Magneto reaches out across the cosmos, drawing power from every planet that’s in range, making him grow stronger by the second as Iron Man’s fades. Perhaps the man of limitless resources has limits after all. Magneto then realizes something that hits him harder than the hardest blow. He realizes how little this fight of theirs means compared to what’s coming. Somewhere in the deep of space, he feels an entire planet vanish. Consumed by the Phoenix fires. A holocaust in the blink of an eye. He wonders what they have gotten themselves into. With that, he gives up and lets Iron Man defeat him.

Iron Man flies off, triumphantly commenting on how absurdly expensive the fight was. He muses on how much it hurts to fly and the fact his face is so swollen they will have to cut his helmet off. As Magneto floats high up in the air, he weakly calls after Iron Man, telling him he will need his daughter Wanda.

Winner: Iron Man

(2nd story)

The Thing vs Namor the Sub-Mariner

AvX Fun Fact: The Impact of Namor’s punch is equivalent to a car at 45 mph.

Namor and the Thing are fighting in the ocean and Namor uppercuts the Thing to send him clear out of the water. He is catapulted into the air with such force that he crashes through the SHIELD helicarrier. Two jets patrolling the carrier spot him and one goes to fire but is stopped by the other one. As the Thing falls out of the carrier, he picks up a piece of debris and comment that the collision will be expensive.

AvX Fun Fact: This helicarrier repair will cost $3,200,067

As the Thing comes hurtling back to Earth, he tells Namor he will have to hit harder than that. Namor flies out of the water towards him and says he was prolonging the pleasure. The Thing punches Namor in mid-air and the two fall back into the ocean.

AvX Fun Fact: The impact of the Thing’s punch is equal to a car at 52mph.

As the two sink down, Namor tells the Thing that the X-Men neither want nor need him there. The Thing muses on how being underwater will put a damper on their conversation. The Thing kicks Namor but he kicks the Thing back and slams him to the ocean floor and into a shipwreck. The Thing picks up a treasure chest and launches it at Namor against his advice. The chest hits him and shatters, sending coins everywhere. The two lurch forward and start fighting again. Namor says that he rules here and the Thing cannot win but the Thing thinks that he’s doing okay so far. As they sink down further, Namor punches the Thing into a thermal vent.

AvX Fun Fact: Thermal vents can be as hot as 400°C. Ouch!

Namor says he is growing tired of the Thing so he proposes… As the Thing climbs out of the thermal vent, he jokes in his head that no member of the Fantastic 4 wants to marry him. Not that he isn’t flattered but Namor’s girlfriend behind him doesn’t look happy. Namor turns to see a huge red fish with razor sharp teeth behind him. He grabs the fish and asks for it to forgive him, as he uses it as a weapon to hit the Thing with. The fish writhes and knocks Namor back, injuring him. The Thing is clinging to the fish’s mouth and so he rips out two of its huge teeth.

AvX Fun Fact: Braces can cost up to $6000. Sea monsters cost extra.

The fish swims off and the Thing starts to search for Namor. He finds him lying on the floor. He uses the two teeth and pins Namor to the seafloor and walks away as Namor says it isn’t over. As he walks out of the water and onto the beach, the Thing says next time he sees Namor he will be tuna casserole. Unbeknown to him, Namor has launched himself out of the water and into the sky.

Winner: The Thing