Uncanny Spider-Man #1

Two men wearing balaclavas flee on a motor bike with a case full of stolen organs. The one not driving fires a gun at the air shouting: “die bug! Dieeeee!”

Panicked, he tells his partner Zekey that he dodged. He can’t see him anymore! What sorta freak can dodge shocker tech?

Over his partner’s protest, Zekey steers the bike into the park. He tells him to relax. He got this idea reading Spidey-Stans. His partner protests, him reading the fan site is a serious conflict of interest. Zekey points out that there’s more to him than stealing organs for the mad science market, okay? Point is, whichever web-slinger is chasing them, he is still a web-slinger – meaning he needs the buildings for his webs. All they gotta do is dodge the park weirdoes and they are clear.

He has barely finished speaking when the Spider-Man, who has been giving chase, teleports in front of them and quickly attacks them. The men are off their bikes lying on the ground.

“Pardon me,” the Spider-Man hanging from a tree with his tail opines. “Entschuldigung.” English is not his first language and he is still working on the pithy one-liners in crime fighting. He is thinking it would be a very funny moment to say: “you need to practice your parking, pal.”

The man doesn’t react and Spider-Man tries to explain, because they are in a park and their bike is in a tree instead of a proper parking spot. One word, multiple meanings, ja? A homonym. If he wishes, they may now engage in snappy banter.

The man grabs his weapon and fires at him, shouting “die, freak!”

Spider-Man teleports away and cuts the weapon apart with what seems to be a glowing energy sword.

That ain’t fair! the man stammers stupidly. Spideystans didn’t mention no glowy spooky sword! Where even did that come fro… Having lost all playfulness, the Spider-Man hits him and tells him to mind his own business. He dematerializes the sword, then turns to the box with the stolen organs, which are still frozen. Lives saved, hardened criminals defeated. Not a bad day’s work. Busy busy, doing good, he seems to try and convince himself.

Suddenly, he is addressed by a group of four indigent people, who are curious about him. He’s the new Spidey, isn’t he? They’ve seen him in the papers, a big, bearded man remarks. Some sort of devil on a redemptive journey, that’s the prevailing thought, a skinny black man opines. Not often you get a Spidey with an occult angle, the first man continues. People love that *+/&. Spider-Man hesitantly thanks them.

The first guy asks for an interview (and some money), when Spider-Man notices a poorly dressed elderly woman who seems confused as she is asking where her baby is.

Suddenly, a Stark Sentinel shines its light on them and announces it detects mutant pheromones. Spider-Man orders them away; he will handle this. Instead, the first guy shouts at the Sentinel that they are only indigents and non-mutant heroes here. Then he asks it for twenty dollars.

Undeterred, the Sentinel begins to scan them. Spider-Man orders them away - this is going to get ugly, but a voice whispers in his ear, they’ve got this.

And indeed, the Sentinel decides they are not mutants, wishes them a good evening and leaves. Spider-Man notices the woman is gone as well.

The others call her Sad Suzy and state she comes and goes. She is obsessed with the Treehouse. Maybe she is a secret mutie lover.

The voice from before – seeming to come from a little bamf demon - orders him to look at the Treehouse, the X-Men’s former HQ.

Spidey tells his fans that he needs to take the organs to a hospital. And remember, when danger strikes, you can count on your friendly neighborhood Spinnenmann! He teleports away.

Spinnen what now? one of them asks. They decide that name’s not going to stick. Hellcrawler, one of them suggests.

Later:
In a citadel in the park, over a pizza of doubtful quality, Nightcrawler relates the events to the real Spider-Man including his quips. Somewhat half-heartedly, he announces that he was born for this.

Spider-Man asks about the astral cutlass. That’s a mutant thing, right? Actually, it’s a “my adoptive mother is an evil sorceress who utilized my crisis of faith to turn my innate optimism into a magical weapon, then tried to steal it” thing, Kurt replies…

Choosing to ignore that statement, Spider-Man continues, since they are talking about mutant stuff, what is his long-term plan? Cause Kurt was pretty clear when he first showed up here: Spare super suits… hiding in plain sight… helping his people from the shadows… clearing his name…

Kurt glumly looks away, recalling the murders he was forced to commit when he was out of control and how it damaged Krakoa. It wasn’t him, he states glumly, or at least he wasn’t him.

Spidey decides that he doesn’t knows what of the crazy stuff being said about mutants is true, but he knows Kurt. He doesn’t have to prove he is a good person. If he needs help? He has his back.

The astral bamf only Kurt sees suggests he ought to tell him. All his friends, his people exiled God knows where, probably to the grave. And now there’s Sentinels in the park and ‘mutant’ is a dirty word Plus ca change, right?

Spider-Man notes his spider-sense is tingling, and he doesn’t think it’s just because of Kurt’s pizza. Is he okay? Kurt replies that he left Krakoa to be among ordinary people. He thanks him for the spare suit, but he is doing what he needs to be doing… helping people one at a time.

An Orchis lab:
A scientist with a moustache and a manbun, Dr. Wilson Travers Jr., walks to the side of his superior – Adrian Toomes aka the Vulture who is currently perusing data on Nightcrawler. Their scientists are 97 percent sure that the new Spider-Man is Nightcrawler which, of course, raises the question why the Sentinels didn’t react to him. Cretinous machines chasing cretinous monsters! Toomes curses. He weeps for society.

Travers suggests that Wagner wasn’t at the Hellfire Gala. He may not know about “Ultimate-X.” Any mutant discovered at large will result in the immediate death of ten baseline humans, Toomes quotes the edict. Travers suggests Modeling Division believes, if they performed a decimation, then signaled to Wagner that he was to blame, there is a 65 percent chance, he will turn himself in. Or he’d vanish back into the shadows, comes the skeptical reply. Toomes studies his drugged prisoner Feral, then complains about how the mutants gave them their cast-offs, but not their true discovery – resurrection.

He shocks Feral with an electric needle. Modeling Division doesn’t know #&/%! he states bluntly. That’s why Devo hired him to head the Hound Program.

A moment later, Feral goes ballistic with pain and tears loose. She shoves everyone out of the way as she runs. Travers asks Toomes if he is okay, addressing him as Vulture. Toomes angrily corrects him: “Vulture” was a petty criminal with nothing to contribute to the prosperity and dignity of the human race.

Using his costume, he flies up. He can call him Director Vulture!

He slams into Feral and takes her down. Vulture orders Travers to amp up the nerve-shredders on all their guests. As for their incognito friend; Travers is missing the important point: The Sentinels didn’t pick up his X-gene. He is invisible to their sensors? Travers stammers. But those were developed by Nimrod himself! Send a sex toy-looking robot to do an engineer’s job, Toomes mutters sullenly. They need to know how he is doing it! The Hounds aren’t ready yet, so let’s do a little outsourcing…

The next morning in Central Park, Kurt enjoys the sunrise, the beautiful women jogging and the pizza which managed to become even tastier when cold.

He notices a man with a knife threatening a young woman, puts on his mask and jumps into action. With a snikt sound, the man produces another knife. Classic sound effect, Spider-Man remarks. Want another? He teleports and kicks him in the face.

The man is down for the old. He notices that he saw those clothes on the confused homeless lady the other day.

The girl chooses that moment to throw herself at him. She states she is a big fan and asks if all people in his demon dimension have that accent. And what else can he do with the tail? For once he is at a loss for words.

Suddenly, the girl shouts a warning as the mugger attacks him from behind. Kurt teleports out of the way again.

A moment later, the pendant the girl wears around her neck starts to beep. She explains it is her mutant alarm. Orchis sells them for a few dollars. Pheromones or something. She suspects the guy on the ground. Kurt tries to make his excuses That moment, the half unconscious man on the ground shifts into Mystique and the girl hysterically shouts for help.

Still out of it, Mystique mutters, where is her baby. Kurt grabs her and teleports away with her.

A plane with a group of mercenaries is flying towards La Guardia.

Via comm, their leader informs them their employer claims to have waived problems with weapons at customs, but they shouldn’t get sloppy. She orders them to place any high explosives and foreign currencies into nullchests and store them at the bulkheads. Same goes for exotic European literature, she admonishes one employee who begins stashing away a am called filles et fromage. Americans are weird about that stuff. On arrival at customs, Redsergeant Kremer will do the talking.

Copy that, a heavyset bald man replies. And if they ask business or pleasure? Business, he is told. They are mercenaries. It is always business. He replies, she can’t tell him she is not looking forward to this. These animals walking among them while poisoning them with their drugs. He is told they all lost people to their drugs, but they are professionals. They don’t let their emotions cloud their judgment, especially when they have the taint of xenophobia.

Kremer asks if she isn’t joining them on the tarmac and is told she wishes to review the files Orchis sent through. What’s her read on the target? he asks. A challenge, she replies. Teleportation, agility, surface adhesion, ability to turn invisible in low light.

Did she watch the footage from the murders? he demands. This thing is a freaking monster! His boss points out that the latest images are lacking in horns. Something is off. Frankly, when she is looking at the case file of Nightcrawler, the only thing her instincts tell her is that he is cute. Flying on her own glider, Silver Sable finishes the call.